I spent this weekend in the beautiful mountains of Boone, NC. I was there with several other therapists, discussing intimacy and the complexity of sex, differentiation, and couplehood. While reviewing many resources and bouncing ideas off each other, I remembered a peer-reviewed journal I read in my graduate program. McCarthy and Ross wrote "Relational Style and Couple Sexual Style: Similar or Different." Here is a simplified breakdown of that journal.
Relational and Sexual Styles Are Not Always Aligned
Some couples have a harmonious match between their emotional connection and sexual style, while others experience discrepancies that create challenges.
A couple may communicate well emotionally but struggle sexually, or vice versa.
McCarthy and Ross Describe Four Main Relationship Patterns
Complementary Style – Partners balance each other, where one may be emotionally expressive while the other is more reserved.
Parallel Style – Couples function independently, maintaining their own interests but coexisting peacefully.
Best-Friend Style – High emotional closeness but often at the cost of sexual excitement.
Conflictual Style – Passionate yet volatile, where sexual intensity coexists with relational struggles.
Sexual Styles in Couples
Traditional Sex – Routine and structured intimacy, often following cultural or personal expectations.
Emotionally Expressive Sex – Prioritizes emotional bonding and deep connection.
Erotic Sex – Focused on passion, novelty, and exploration.
Avoidant Sexuality – Avoiding intimacy due to past trauma, relational distress, or other factors.
McCarthy and Ross Argue, When Styles Differ, Issues Arise
Couples with mismatched relational and sexual styles may struggle with unmet needs, creating resentment, avoidance, or sexual dissatisfaction.
Therapy can help partners recognize these patterns and develop strategies to bridge the gap between their emotional and sexual needs.
Integration into My Therapeutic Approach
I take a solution-focused and holistic approach to helping couples navigate their emotional and sexual relationships. Using systems theory, I view relational and sexual dynamics as interconnected rather than isolated issues.
I encourage couples to identify their relational and sexual styles and explore where they align or conflict.
My therapy sessions emphasize open communication, helping partners express their needs without shame or judgment.
I integrate mindfulness and self-awareness techniques to help individuals connect with their desires and intimacy preferences.
For couples struggling with avoidant or mismatched sexual styles, I provide space to explore past experiences, emotional barriers, and unmet needs while focusing on forward movement and healing.
Trauma-informed techniques help clients who have unresolved wounds impacting their ability to engage in fulfilling intimacy.
This research reinforces my belief that intimacy is more than just sex—it’s about emotional safety, communication, and mutual understanding. Whether working with couples, individuals healing from past trauma, or those experiencing life transitions, my goal is to help them achieve balance in their relational and sexual lives. And as all my clients know, more than anything, I believe we have to give ourselves a little grace.
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